I have had many moments lately where I had the urge to write. Most moments come when I lay in bed at night. I think a lot of people take the time to reflect on things when there are no distractions from their surroundings.
Being too tired to reach for my phone, I try to memorise what I am going to write down in the morning. Obviously forgetting everything as soon as I wake up.
I have had a lot of nice Pinterest-worthy quotes but unfortunately, I forgot them all. Nevertheless, I’ll do my best to make this an interesting read.

From the beginning of Nova I did some video’s and some blogs. It’s been a while since I wrote, I think it was the first lock down when I wrote for the last time. A lot of things happened and changed my perspective on what is valuable lately and I wanted to share them with you. Also, for future me to read back and reflect on what is yet to change.


I am sitting in a nice cabin house in Putten for one month, by myself with my dog. You might ask yourself, why would I do that when I have a perfectly good house, partner and life. Also, I’m not on holiday, I just stepped out of my everyday life in a way for a while.
Why would I do this?  Because I can and I am aware of the fact that I can. Aware that being out of my comfort zone will maybe give me inspiration and creativity. Will set me back on the ground with both feet and maybe even give me a better direction in my everyday life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for. Nobody is going to tell me if my choices are right or wrong, I need to decide for myself. And when I don’t know, I have to go and look for them. Inside my head is where I will find my answers, but without distractions from the outside, my surroundings, I might make it a bit easier to find them and to for myself to focus on the inside.


Am I doing so bad in life right now that I need some alone time? Not really. Although the world we live in right now is not helping me to stay happy and appreciate life. And I know I am not the only one.

I will share my perspective about this topic, although I know many people are so tired of hearing all these opinions. Tired of the struggle of both sides, to vax or not to vax. That is the question now-a-days. I can understand both sides and I would like to share my perspective. Feel how you feel about my perspective, agree or disagree. Maybe you have deeper beliefs than mine about some of my opinions, and that is okay. Maybe you will disagree totally with my opinion, that is okay too.

I just gave you my opinion, without even giving it actually. It is okay to disagree, we can live together even if we cannot get on the same page. Because leaving people in their value with their own believes, is in a sense, getting on the same page.

My golden word is ‘balance’. Balance is life. Without good, we could not recognize the bad. Without light we would not know darkness. Without the opinion of a person you disagree with, your words do not value as your opinion. If we have nobody to disagree with and we all agree on the exact same thing, the value of our OWN opinion is none.

We are trying so hard to convince people to see things the way we see it, but they have not lived life like we did. Every fiber in our being and in our brain is different. Everything is perspective. We all see the same object or scenario from our own binocular. And one person has a kaleidoscope and the other a regular magnifying glass. We cannot exchange brains, eyes, traumas, or the history that shaped us.

The trick is to let the balance rule and respect the differences in the people. Without differences you wouldn’t be you. You are labeled ‘rebel’ because there are rules you don’t follow. You are labeled ‘work-a-holic’ because we agreed on the normality of an 8-hour workday.

If everything was the same, you wouldn’t know if you like, let’s say; fishing, because it sets your soul on fire or because everybody is doing it and therefore you are. You wouldn’t know what you would like, what forms you as a person, because everything would be the same. And if everything is the same, it has no value anymore.

Some people find safety in this though, having the same as another person. I want what he has because then I will fit in, I will be accepted. It’s wanting to belong to a bigger picture.
The thing is, we already belong. But I feel that most people are too scared to listen to their inner voice and knowing that that voice might be different from the mass, it’s scary. They will be excluded and be an outcast. You must go along with society or society will kick you out. And then what, this society is all we know, are you supposed to live under a bridge?? What is on the outside of this world we live in? That got created long before we all were born, by the way…

For me, the more you are in connection with yourself and listen to what you actually want, the happier you will be. More content and at peace. There is nobody that will validate you as much as you can validate yourself. And the fear of not getting accepted by the mass will be less and less important. There is only one person you will have to spend your entire life with 24/7. Would be a shame if you don’t really get to meet that person.

So disagree on everything I just wrote and it’s fine, I just poured my thoughts out, I’m sure there is more to this issue than I am aware off. I’m not saying there is no right or wrong, but it is nice to know how to connect with yourself when you feel disconnected with the world we live in and it’s rules.

Living aware in any form starts with a beginning. And I guess maybe it’s reading this. Or maybe if that sounded too cocky, this will help with explaining what ‘deeper levels of being aware’ means. Or maybe this is all sounds like shit, and you are way wiser and more aware than me. Fuck it all and be my oracle then! Love to hear it. 😀

I guess all we want maybe is peace, living peacefully and in harmony and happiness in our own big or small way. We then, must understand that everybody has a different perspective on peace. Even the devil wants peace, but for him, it’s if all people burn in purgatory.

I always try to understand both sides. Not get frustrated about something until I know the reason why, and then maybe still get frustrated though.. But anyways, the key for me is to always create a balance. Because there always is a balance. Two sides to a story (or more). A lot of people tend to choose a side, and that is okay, but they feel that the other side is then the wrong side. Even if you can’t agree on the reasoning of the other side, it’s still a choice to condemn it and label it ‘the wrong side’ instead of living in peace side by side. If we would all be the same, and choose the same, the world would be a factory.

So basically, we all die, we just don’t want to die right now. We choose our believes of what it takes to live a long and healthy life, we all just don’t agree on the same ways. But you were born alone, and you will die alone, so why can’t the choices in-between be our own and for ourselves.  What I miss is a peaceful society where people with opinions are still respecting the differences in others. Living out of fear is an option too, if your aware of it and choose it consciously, then let it. But we are in control of our own mind and thoughts and being too emotionally invested maybe blinds and withholds us from our core strength. Fear is a basic survival mechanism that is on alert right now, but it’s also just an emotion. And there are other emotions on which you can rely to make decisions.

Although, the four basic emotions are joy, fear, sadness, anger. So, three of the four are considered negative and only one positive. Mann, makes me realize how fucking hard we have it to stay happy and positive. Also probably why the mainstream news has mostly been negative for ever, it plays into our emotions.  

All anybody want is a happy and healthy life if I’m not mistaken. Maybe we just need to find out how to get this for ourselves, and let others find out how to get theirs. I’m sure you can spend a lifetime just on this quest for yourself, finding what works best in happiness and health for you. Every minute spend on somebody else; you can’t get back and use it for yourself anymore.

If I can say one thing to you right now, I would say, take a break. We had a Kitkat commercial and that is basically my life quote; ‘Waar ben jij nou helemaal mee bezig’ Which says, ‘what on earth are you doing,.’

Even though I’m not into the nowadays work mentality of 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. The sentence means; just stop with whatever you’re doing right now and think, what am I actually doing?!? Why am I doing this? Will this make me happy? What does this thing that I’m doing, do for me? I don’t see no ring on this finger. Will it make me a better person, smarter, wiser, maybe even richer? And if it makes me richer, is the money I’m getting worth this time? Or did I actually want to spend this time on something else?

A lot of people don’t do this realization moment often enough, or not at all, I think. I do it every day, too much you can say, but the ‘Why?’ question is imprinted on my brain according to my zodiac birth horoscope.

So, if I could say one thing, is to take a break, sit back and look at the now and where you stand, literally and figuratively. Are you satisfied with everything if you’re being honest? Or are there things you can improve on, but you are not, for some reason. And if you’re completely honest, do you know the reason? Are you aware of the reason, the obstacle, which is holding you back from growth and being more in touch with your core self, your authentic self?
Are you postponing the hard work till infinity on purpose? Or are you at peace with turning a blind eye on it? If yes, then that’s all that matters! Being aware and at peace with your decisions. Good or bad.

I have had many different types of jobs. I worked an office job for a year or so, just to experience it. What it’s like to sit on your ass 7,5 hours a day staring at a screen. I did it because I feel that I can’t say I hate it, if I’ve never done it. There was this friendly old guy a couple of years away from retiring. And in the months that I worked there he got a depression. He was realizing that he had spent 25 years working for this company and that was how he, unintentionally, choose to spend his life. Did he realize he never had to go to work anymore and didn’t really know what to do with his time now? Or did he realize that he could never experience different kind of jobs because he had spent more than a quarter of his life at one company? If he, intentionally, came to work every day, being happy he could put in more hours of his time towards this company, would he still get depressed after 25 years?

Sometimes I think that people feel stuck in their job. It pays the bills, it’s not too bad and if they quit, they will lose a permanent contract. So, it’s not worth the fear of that risk.
There is more to life than a job on many levels. If you have this fear, then find meaning in other aspects. If you give your time to a company, there are still many hours in a day and in your life that you can keep to yourself. And I don’t mean to Netflix & Chill. But to deepen your authentic self.

So, take a break and reflect. Or just take a break:
Are you sitting on the couch right now? Go and sit upside down. Sitting at the kitchen table? Go and lay down on the floor. How does it feel? To step out of your normal life and have a real perspective from a different point of view. You choose this view intentionally you know… And there are so many more decisions you can make intentionally. You maybe never, in your adult years, thought of sitting upside down on the couch. So, maybe there are so many other decisions you cannot think of right now because they are still outside of your comfort zone. Physically and mentally.

But I like to think, that if you made this fun move of sitting upside down and it made you smile, you are probably more aware to find another fun small experience like this. And another, and maybe one that is a bit bigger. And maybe after that you will implement it to a mental step outside of the comfort.
So, review your current choices or preferences on things, why did you choose this? And have you reviewed other options at one point in your life to come to this choice? Or did it just happen? Where you brought up this way, and this is just how you were taught? Maybe it’s a nice idea to see what else is out there? What can you teach yourself.

Maybe there is a better option for you out there, that is more in touch with your authentic self. Or maybe you conclude that you really like your, unintentional, choice and stick to with what you were brought up. Though now, it’s part of your authentic self. Because you chose it intentionally. It sparked joy. Thank you Marie.

I’m 34 now, even if people always think I’m younger, I’m not. I heard that it’s best to start kids before the age of 36. No pressure, but umm yes, pressure. For me it’s no pressure, I never really had a feeling that I really wanted kids. With the right partner, I think I would I’d like the option to be there. Because I also hear that women, can all of a sudden change, and feel the time is there to want a baby. If I had the option, and I kinda do have it, I don’t want kids. I have plenty of people around me that have kids and although I really like them, it never was a realization to me that I wanted them too. Kids bring happiness but it’ll cost you something too. I hear a lot of people underestimated the stress and sleepless nights, and no time for yourself. My thoughts are more, why do I have to have a kid, we have kids because we want them, because people around us have them, because it’s part of life, it’s normal, it’s society. I don’t think I’m ever satisfied with the amount of knowledge I’ve gathered to pass it on. I feel that you are not only meant to raise kids, but the kids reflect the things in you. They’re a confrontation towards yourself and how you cope and deal with things in life. My choice is to rely on my inner self, and she will tell me when the time is right to have kids, if that time will ever come.

Right now, if I would have kids, I would be scared for the days where I don’t have the answers, when the kid realizes it’s mortality, for example. “Why do things die, mom?”, “I don’t want to die, mommy”. “I don’t have an answer baby, because mom went to therapy for a year to get rid of her fear of the inevitable. Now stop talking about it because mommy is getting an anxiety attack.” It took me a long time to let the thought of mortality just be a thought and nothing more.

To be okay with the fact that I can’t get all the answers in the universe.

What about not being able to always protect your child. Or not knowing what goes on in its head. Keeping secrets from you. All people have different perspectives and especially kids can have an altered reality and a perspective that’s from a child’s mind. Without the full knowledge an adult might have. Thinking it’s done something bad while it hasn’t.
Thinking something is normal while it’s not.
It might be that when you really want kids these questions don’t even come to mind. Or if they do, you just deal with it when it happens, because why would you worry already about it, it might not occur.

I just know my mind and I don’t know if I would want to place another person in this world with a ‘Why?’ mind like mine. Or is this my fear speaking? I guess I’m aware of it now.. Am I okay with it? For now, I guess I am. 😛
I’m sure I’m not the only one that is like this, but it is my choice to put another human on this planet or not. Us humans were given awareness, unlike primal instinct in animals to reproduce. I evoke my awareness and choose not to have kids right now. And choose that I also won’t decide right now for changing my mind later.


Let’s start now with the real reason why I wanted to write. Total change of subject tho..

I think I am very ordinary, and I am not special or different from anybody else when it comes to habits and feelings. So I think a lot of people can relate to what I am about to say. With that being said, I broke a habit recently that I really wanted to shed, and it was the first step on the ladder of improving life for me in more than one way. I was also aware of another thing I succeeded in. I wanted to change this thing for so long, it was haunting me. When I succeeded, I was aware of how happy it made me and it gave me energy to make more changes in my life. But one at a time.

I must say that for me taking risks is not that big of a deal and I know that a lot of people rely on securities in life and are therefore scared to make big changes. But small changes give joy too, never focus on what seems impossible. Rather focus on something in front of you, and this thing, if you enjoy the feeling of the change can then be a step up to make another change. There is no end to this change ladder, so no need to focus on the end, or it will seem endless and might make you feel really overwhelmed. It’s about the here and now and what is within arm’s reach.

I think it’s safe to say that everybody that reads this knows that I’ve opened my own tattoo shop in Haarlem a little over three years ago. And if you don’t know, well, I’ve wrote some blogs on how that went, you can find it on

My second goal was to find a house in Haarlem, and after a few rejections (because being an entrepreneur is too risky for landlords, like an employee can’t lose their jobs?), I found one right across from the shop. Sometimes I believe that, when I get a rejection, it’s because something better is out there waiting for me. And this way of thinking, keeps me positive minded.

Moving would mean starting kind of fresh, cleaning the old house and getting rid of stuff, like a spring cleaning. I also decided to do a little body cleaning, food wise. I never understood, and I still don’t, that if I love animals, why do I eat them? I was brought up with a chef father and eating meat and fish was normal. I remember that when I was a kid, we went out to dinner a lot and I would always order shrimps, my all-time favorite. At one point my parents said I needed to choose something else, I always pick the same! Of course, when I got older, I realized it had nothing to do with food, but everything with it being one of the most expensive things on the menu. 

In all honesty I love fish and I am still in the climb to become a full vegetarian 24/7, which will maybe take me to vegan one day. For now, that end goal is to far of a reach for me, but I know every day that I’m doing my best. And I am now doing better than if I never made a change at all.

So, moving into a new house I set a rule for myself not to eat meat or fish in my house, only when I went out to dinner. This way I did a small contribution towards downsizing the meat industry, which was a way to #contributeyourway to a better world. Which made me a better human, obviously. But I could still give into the meat cravings that I was sure of I would still have. Changing a 32-year-old behavior doesn’t need to be rushed if I really wanted it to last the rest of my life. Ok, so now I’m a stay-at-home-vegetarian. I love cooking, but I never made food without meat or fish. It’s like a living room revolves around a tv (which I don’t have btw) and a dinner revolves around the meat. The meat gives you the feeling of being full and satisfied. Enter a great 21st century invention of Hello Fresh! I was a fan of Hello Fresh for several years. A nice way to learn new dishes you wouldn’t normally think of yourself. (Which also is a small habit breaker btw) I would now order only vegetarian Hello Fresh meals. I still remember my first vegetarian Hello Fresh meal, sort of, I still know my thoughts but not the actual dish. Pasta or risotto, I don’t remember.

Looking at my plate, it kind of already seemed like it was missing something (like meat), and my second thought was; this will not give me the satisfied feeling of being full.
Of course, it did and I was so surprised. My first conscious start of vegetarian meals was a success, and it didn’t feel like I missed something on my plate.
Breaking a 32-year habit is not done with one meal. It also isn’t done with being too strict on yourself from the start, I feel. Denying yourself something will probably only make you feel like you want it even more.
It’s feeling happy with every meal and choosing consciously for when you do want to eat meat. Being aware of what you eat and why.

I was doing really good, although this was not on my mind at all. Motivating myself by saying I was doing a good job so far.  My thoughts were, I wonder what’s on the menu tomorrow. Or,I’ve never had this funny vegetable! I wonder how I need to prepare it. What dishes I know can I make vegetarian now?

It’s not focusing on the change but being in the change and exploring this new perspective. I guess if you compare it with wanting to lose weight, you focus on how much you want to lose, or everything you must do for it, or rather; what you can’t do or eat anymore. Maybe it’s better to be aware of how the body works, and what does the food do for you that you’ve always been eating. What does the food do that you need to actually eat. What are the ingredients and if you change your fuel, how will your body and your mind feel, instead of only focusing on how it will look.

When I moved in with my boyfriend, we decided to completely stop eating meat and fish. Easy for him, because he didn’t even like fish in the first place. But good for me, I am the one cooking so I always had to cook completely vegetarian. So it’s easy to stay of fish in the house. It’s almost been a full year of being vegetarian, although that’s not fair to say because I still eat fish occasionally.

I never said to myself that I can’t eat meat anymore at all. I give myself the option still to eat meat. I was at a dinner party with plenty of vegetarian and meat options and everybody around me ate meat. “It’s sooo good Rox! You have to try really!” I said that I will if I want too. But the thought wasn’t that appealing to me anymore. There were so many vegetarian options to stuff my face with and it was also realllly good.

At this point in my life, if I think about eating meat and that I would have to chew and swallow this meat, my throat will choke up. It really is becoming more unappealing. It’s less of a food thing and becoming more of a dead animal thing.
Writing this, I’m not saying everybody should me a vegetarian or vegan. I say, be in touch with what you would like to change or be better in and it should be a fun adventure. Not saying easy, but ‘fun’ is a better word than ‘fucking difficult’.


Enter the first lockdown!
So, on to the next change!

For us this was actually quite a nice change with everyday work. The weather was nice, and we felt inspired to create in different ways than just tattooing. This also gave me time to get more into changing my food habit. Now that meat was out of my house, I wanted to address the biggest food obstacle for me; sugar. I bought a Keto book and did some Keto shopping to make all the Keto dishes in the book. It was never my goal to become Keto but I did want to change my sugar intake and to do so I had to teach myself what other kinds of sweets there were out there. How to make organic sweets instead of buying sugary processed foods.

When I was young I had very bad stomach aches and colon problems. I didn’t know where it came from, so tried to cut out different foods for a couple of weeks to see if it made a change in my body. I also had very bad acne and I heard that it could relate to the colon problems. I went to the doctor for my acne and got on birth control at the age of 13 because I had a classmate that used it for her acne. It didn’t really help so I went to a specialist. He put me on the heaviest medication for acne called Roaccutane. With this medication I had to do regular blood tests and they warned me to not get pregnant or it would do a lot of damage to the baby or I’ll get a miscarriage. Thinking back, it’s crazy how far I went to get rid of acne. And it’s crazy at what a young age we already turn to western medication.
By trial and error, you then later find out that all this time, all you had to do was to cut out dairy from your diet.
Cutting out dairy was also a huge help for my stomach problem. Which was labeled irritable bowel syndrome. A bunch of other things I can’t have which I found out by cutting foods from my diet for weeks at a time.
I changed the dairy into soy and mann, I really disliked the taste of that! Almond milk was even worse! But I had to, and in time the flavors became normalized. I tried cow milk later one time and it was disgusting.

Knowing this, I knew that the taste of these ‘healthy’ Keto sugars would grow on me too. We can adapt even if we feel in our core that we can’t. Your core is made of habits, if you were brought up with different habits, you would be a different person. The only thing that is different now is that you are aware of creating new habits, instead of being a kid and just doing whatever your parents tell you to do or what to eat.

Again, I wasn’t saying I couldn’t have any processed sugars like cookies or anything anymore, but I also knew that a craving would pass with any type of sugar. Even if in that moment it doesn’t feel fulfilling. Your high craving fades. And if you still crave it the next morning, go and get it. And be aware of your attempt to change and enjoy the sweet that you couldn’t resist and try again later. Just never forget to try again, it’s not so much as a try as to just keep going.

Sugar tho, so I’ve picked up in a documentary, is best to not eat at all. For every kind of sugar is hitting the sugar trigger in your body and the craving will stay. If you cut sugar out completely, the craving will go away. So healthy sugar will still have you crave for sugar, and sometimes you can resist and eat a healthy sweet, but for me, I feel like I will always want to keep eating the unhealthy sweets.
At this point in my life, my sugar intake is not that high but if I do crave it, I’ll give in. How in the hell am I going to get through my monthly period otherwise? That is some deep demon shit craving sugar, I can’t even vouch for myself when I’m on my period. But do I want to live long? Do I want the best for me and my body? Yes, so I know I have to keep everything in a balance.

In 2016 I started with a bit of modelling as a hobby. I wanted to find out what it feels like to put your body and face as a priority instead of what is on the inside. I wanted to be really aware of my facial expressions, body movements and to find out where my comfort zone ended and why. I exercised, in my room, thirty minutes a day for a year and I did whatever felt right. I had no idea what I was doing but it kind of worked. Different kind of exercises in combination with dancing and just being a weirdo with my body to music. After a year things changed in my life and I somehow lost the will to exercise. The modelling hobby had peeked and I didn’t care for more modelling explorations. I needed, and wanted, to find a different kind of exercise, something else. I knew somebody who had her own pole dancing studio and that felt kind of my cup of tea. Strength, flow and dancing combined. It lasted a year and let me tell you it was quite difficult. Starting out it’s fine if you have spaghetti arms but to be really able to pole dance a bit more professionally, it’s best to do yoga and strength work outs on the side.  I did pole dancing for a year and it was super nice. I couldn’t get much more into it because I was moving house. Life caught up with me and I didn’t do anything physical for a while. It was always in the back of my head, to start some kind of exercise but I never got to it.

After about two years I tried to go to the gym with my boyfriend, who went practically every day. But I felt super uncomfortable. He was doing his thing and knew a lot of people and I felt alone and out of place. We tried about four times, but we were just not a gym match. I got really demotivated and didn’t know what kind of exercise would suit me best. A gym felt overwhelming for me so I tried to work out at home. I have a lot of clients in the sports field so I posted on my Instagram to get some kind of guidance.
I got a schedule made especially for me by a client and she even made me instruction video’s. ‘’That is a lot of work-outs!’’ I told her. ‘’Do I just choose which ones I want to do in a set?’’ ‘’Not really, the idea is to do them all in one set.’’ She told me. To me, the schedule looked like it would take me a week to finish. But it works probably in a way that every exercise is one and before you know it, you can complete whole thing.
But it was so hard for me, and I could barely finish a quarter of the full scheme. It demotivated me a bit, I didn’t really like all the exercises so I didn’t see results because I probably didn’t give it my best effort.

Second lock down came, and it was a difficult one. I nearly hit a depression and I didn’t have energy for anything.
With all these failed attempts I gave it a rest. I was sure I would find my way and that it would just fall on my path. Because looking for it didn’t work.

This year in August I went to Sardinia with Mae and Kristina. Kristina just started working out with her boyfriend, so she wanted to keep fit on the vacation too.
Everybody who knows me, knows I’m not a morning person. But Kristina did her work out almost every day around 7 am before the sun came up, because when it did, it would be too hot to exercise.
I decided to just tag along and do whatever she was doing, because why not? I figured I could catch up on sleep on the beach in the afternoon. That’s all the exercising you wanna do then anyway.
I really like doing things out of my comfort zone every now and then. I always tried to find ways to exercise, so why not try this. Together in the morning, and no worry for the rest of the day, this could be fun. I guess it’s all about how you want to perceive a situation, and I decided I was going to label this as fun.
And it was. And it worked so well for us, we worked so well together working out that we decided to continue this when we got back in The Netherlands. And we really committed. We both didn’t like to go to the gym alone, so this was perfect for us. We have seen multiple gyms in Bussum and in Haarlem and we are so confident now that we also go alone. Heck, we even have our own separate gym subscriptions. Too bad for lock downs, but not working out is now definitely not due to anxiety or lack of interest.

It was no effort at all in the end to never quit working out, because I found my way. I needed somebody like me to get me started. It’s been 5 months and I work out 3 to 4 times a week.

Every start of something new is difficult, but I never saw it as a start, I never put a lot of pressure on it and I never had an end goal, or a timeline. I mean a goal as in, I need to be able to lift 40 kilos within 6 months. Or I need to lose 10 kilos of fat. We just had fun, pushing ourselves and each other. Every day you just see how much you can take on and you will move forward anyways. My weight dropped because I didn’t care for food that much anymore. Working out made me less hungry. It also did something to my mindset and I wasn’t focused on food all the time anymore. It made me happy and content with myself. And after four months I really saw progression in my body but also after about four months I was super hungry and I could eat all day. I didn’t want too, but my body needed it, my muscles needed energy to grow. All these transformations are so interesting and it only takes me 1 hour a day. Either before work or after which feels really good after spending so many hours in the same position using the same muscles for tattooing. It’s funny that we worry so much about goals or want to plan out everything. But this is how it went; Let’s work out, and let’s focus on building a booty! Leg day, every day! Four months of leg days, my back could lose a bit of fat, gain a bit of muscles. Hmm, I always work out my arms with tattooing in the same manor, maybe it’s good to do some counter arm exercises.

What I’m saying is that, sometimes when we don’t put the focus on something it will happen naturally anyways.
I have no goals, so I can never fail myself for not meeting my own expectation. I see these muscles now, and they were not visible a while ago and that makes me happy now. And because I have fun working out now, I know an even better physique will follow naturally. And even if it doesn’t, I am happy with what I achieved right now and how I look and that’s all that matters. Because all we have is now.


Slowly I try to improve my life. And with improving I mean being aware of my every move, my actions, what I spend my time on and why. It’s so easy to watch Netflix, turn off your mind and just chill. It’s so easy, but it brings you no growth and understanding of your soul, mind and body.

Tonight I was (endlessly) rewatching Friends and it took me a bit of effort to turn it off, put some boho meditation music on and start writing.
Friends won’t do anything for me, I need it sometimes, but I also need to keep my mind and my body going for my own adventure and growth.
I don’t wanna die and look down and be like; ‘ah yes, precious time well spend, 72.000 hours on social media, 60.000 hours on Netflix and 1.000 on mental and physical growth.
Good hoomin, I was. Lazy ass spirit, I am now for eternally.

I think most people are aware of the things that not really benefit them, but they kinda turn a blind eye because it gives them a short-term feeling of happiness. Watching a movie or eating unhealthy foods are ways of short-term happiness, it’s fun or tasty but in the long run it doesn’t bring you anything that lasts. I’m not saying to stop with all this, it’s all a balance. Indulge yourself with trash tv or snacks but stay aware to not get lost in them. Keep half of your time focused on fun things that benefit you. There are more ways of having a good time than what the mainstream has set out for us. They make everything easy and accessible, so you don’t have to go and look for yourself for any kind of entertainment.
But it will give you so much more of a reward if you do focus, even just a bit, on creating your authentic self.

You might have seen the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma, about everything that is wrong with social media. This was a wake up call for me on something that I kind of already was aware of, but turned a blind eye on. How much time we spend on social media is insane.

I always come up with the excuse that I need it for work, and I do. But it’s like you get sucked into the social media dimension where time goes so fast, and when it’s over you cannot believe that you spend 6 hours that day on your phone. That is impossible! But  you do it again the next day and the day after.

So I just ordered an old Nokia, normal cellphone not a smartphone, and a prepaid sim-card. I wanted to use this after 9pm for people to reach me on so I can turn my iPhone off. Does anybody actually turn they’re phones off ever now-a-days by the way? I was able to uphold this for one day. It’s been two months now. My new start is after moving. I guess that already worked for me once with food, and I’m sure it will work for this too.

We have a saying Dutch old people always say “Vroegah was alles beter!’’ ‘When I was young everything was better!’
In a way it was, not in all ways of course, but I see that it’s so difficult for people to stay strong in their own person nowadays. Stimuli everywhere and an overload of information. We get lost.

But I think we have to get lost, in a sense that, you have to take yourself out of your environment, lock yourself in a cabin in the woods, at the beach or wherever and just be with yourself. Entertain yourself with nothing more than you, do you like the company of you? Why yes or why not?

I want to end this by saying that not everything I put my mind to works out the way I want it to. Not all changes that I desire happened. We are all human, so am I. I wanted to stay away from fast fashion and buy only one item of clothing per month. That failed and I felt like a failure. ‘But why you got to be so hard on yourself?’ My boyfriend asked. Because I wanted to donate to a foundation that supported durable clothing. I wanted to balance out my failure with a good deed. But accepting a failure is accepting your vulnerability, and that is what I did. We cannot do everything to perfection, but we can do it to the best of our ability, and that is exactly what I am doing. Flaws and all.